Crystal Palace 4-0 Manchester United: Premier League – as it happened (2024)

Ed Aarons has filed his match report from Selhurst Park, which is my cue to clock off. Thanks for your company, correspondence and cutting remarks, which United’s performance fully deserved. Sorry not to get through all the emails: there was a deluge once the third goal went in. Over to Ed.

“EtH unveiled his exciting, innovative no defence tactic against Burnley,” says Adam Roberts. “I’m surprised he kept it for this match.”

“Now only seven Prem teams with a positive goal difference,” says Stephen Jones. “Tells us something. I don’t know what but definitely something.” Ha. Palace, by the way, are now on -8. But they were on -18 less than a month ago.

Michael Olise is being interviewed on Sky, though he’s not giving much away. “I think,” he says, with a hint of understatement, “it’s a good night for us.”

Palace had 18 shots, which is just the norm these days against United. United had seven. They did win the possession battle by 58 per cent to 42, but that’s usually a bad sign for them as it tends to give them a sense of false security. On touches in the opposition box, they lost hands-down, 16-36. The expected goals are interesting: Palace 1.47, United 0.35. It’s odd that Palace’s figure isn’t higher (as they also missed some good chances), and it’s striking that United’s is so very low. The only team they’ve done worse against this season is Man City … who await them in the Cup Final. If they play like this again, Erling Haaland is going to score six.

United did get the ball in the net, twice, both times through Casemiro. But the rest of his night, as a makeshift defender and stand-in captain, was one calamity after another.

The worry for United last weekend was that they might slip to seventh and end up in the Europa Conference League. Now it’s that they will stay eighth and not reach Europe at all (unless they win the Cup Final, as if that’s going to happen). Eighth would be their worst position at the end of a season since 1990, and would surely spell doom for Ten Hag.

The upshot is not quite as dramatic as the game: Palace stay 14th, and United stay eighth. But Palace are now only a point behind Fulham, they have four wins in the last five league games – and their scalps are Liverpool, West Ham, Newcastle and Manchester United.

The United players are applauding the travelling fans, who are singing as if this game had never happened.

The end of a triumphant evening for Palace and a dismal one for United. If Erik ten Hag hadn’t got them to the Cup Final, he’d be getting sacked in the morning. He walks off with a face like thunder.

90+5 min Palace chance! Ayew slips but still has time for a shot, which is deflected by Dalot and falls kindly for Onana.

90+4 min United get upfield. Mainoo does well and then Garnacho can’t sort his feet out. Hope Wheatley gives him a blast.

90+2 min Another Casemiro co*ck-up, another Palace shot. This one hits the post.

90 min As the board shows six more minutes, United have a two-on-two. Wheatley breaks free but dawdles and fails to find the man to his right, Garnacho, who gives him a blast. No honour among teenagers.

90 min Chances for Palace! Two of them. One is missed by a poor cutback, the other by Wan-Bissaka saving the day with a fine tackle on his old patch.

89 min Amrabat, who has fought hard to stiffen a flimsy defence, draws a foul from Edouard, which in turn draws a yellow card from Jarred Gillett.

87 min Palace, too, are slowing down now, allowing me to glance at the mail. “We’ve reached that point in the season then,” says Russell Yong, “when Palace find that barnstorming run of form that sees them play exhilarating football, takes them to somewhere between 10th and 14th and raises spirits going into next season. Spirits that will then be ruined by worrying all summer if they can hold onto a team that can obviously play so well together, worries that are usually justified as key players depart, forcing the team to spend two-thirds of the following season fighting relegation while figuring out a new team, that then goes on a barnstorming run of form that sees them play exhilarating football, takes them to somewhere between 10th and 14th...” Ha.

86 min Michael Olise won’t be getting a hat-trick. After two well-taken goals, he is replaced by Jordan Ayew. And Jeff Schlupp is on for Eze.

85 min A spell of Palace pressure follows yet another mistake at the back by Casemiro, who has played football in slow-mo ever since his long-term injury in the autumn.

80 min Two subs for United: Amad for Mount, which will allow Garnacho to move back to the left, and Wheatley for Højlund. Wheatley has been a star of the title-winning Academy team this season, the only bright spot in the gloom for United.

79 min Last time he lost 4-0 in London, Ten Hag made his squad run about 8km, which was the distance by which they had let their opponents outrun them (and joined in himself). A sneaky Sky stat-box has just informed us that this time that figure is 3km.

77 min Another Palace sub as Guéhi, back from injury, replaces Clyne. Guéhi, like Olise, has been linked with United, but he might not fancy them now.

76 min A few minutes ago Palace sent on a couple of subs: Riedewald for the hard-working Hughes and Edouard for the excellent Mateta.

74 min Amrabat works hard to win the ball and sets United in the right direction. Mainoo slips in Wan-Bissaka, but his cross is so lame, it could be a United centre-back.

73 min Dalot puts a pass straight out of play on the right wing. Garnacho did the same on the left a couple of minutes ago. It must be horrible being on the receiving end of this.

72 min A chant goes up: “You’re f*cking sh*t.” It could be either set of supporters.

71 min United’s goal difference is now -3.

70 min There was a yellow, too, for Oliver Glasner, who stormed out of his technical area to complain. A small stain on a night of triumph.

67 min United are losing what remains of their cool. Now Amrabat gets a yellow for a high boot that might have brought a red.

67 min You can guess who lost the ball near the byline – yes, it was Casemiro. He was robbed by Munoz, who laid the ball back to Olise … who hit a typically elegant shot past a shell-shocked Onana.

And there it is – the full Brentford.

66 min United ask for a penalty as Højlund goes down. RefCam says no, possibly because it was outside the box. Højlund and Andersen have a Nordic shouting match.

65 min And then Palace raced away on the counter and could have had a fourth.

64 min That move led to a corner, and yet again Casemiro got his head to the ball, with a flick that nearly went in. He is now playing as a specialist header of the ball at set pieces.

61 min United manage to get forward! There was a neat turn by Mount on the left wing, where he is now playing, with Garnacho replacing Antony on the right.

60 min And there’s still half an hour to go. Time for this to end up worse than Ten hag’s worst moment so far, the 4-0 battering at Brentford in his second league game in England.

Ten Hag sends on Amrabat, the only outfield sub with any experience. And he pulls off Antony, so this is damage limitation now.

Tyrick Mitchell! Wharton sends a handsome ball into the box, Andersen lays it off, there’s a scramble and Mitchell is there in the centre-forward position to poke it home.

57 min Chance for Mitchell! And then for Hughes! Mitchell was close in, slamming his shot at Onana; Hughes was volleying from distance after the resulting corner. But then …

56 min Big chance for Eze! A lovely one-two with Olise brings a shot from near the spot, but he sends it wide. The attack began with an awful pass from Antony in what seemed as promising position.

54 min As United threaten another mess in their right-back zone, Dalot comes to the rescue with a sliding tackle.